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 Would you like to win TWO free "Funny Things Kids Say" books? Submit a true funny kids story for use in the Funny Kids newspaper column, e-mail newsletter and books. At the end of each month, we will choose our favorite stories and the winners will receive two free books. One book is for the winner to keep. One book is for the winner to donate to his/her church, school or public libary or to a hospital or nursing home. The winning stories will be posted here.

The "Funny Things Kids Say" series of books have hundreds of the best stories from the weekly columns. Vol. 1 came out in 1994; Vol. 2 came out in 1995; and Vol. 3 came out in 1998. We hope to be able to produce an all-new book about every other year. The next book will be QUOTABLE KIDS - FUN IN THE FAMILY TREE.

There is no limit on the number of stories you can submit.

(Note: Every story received each month by the Funny Kids Project will automatically be entered in the WINNING STORIES contest.)

We're looking forward to hearing from you! Each month we e-mail out a list of winners to our e-mail subscribers.

Past Winning Stories:

Winning Stories for December 1999
Monica, 4, was talking with her mother after watching a local theater company's performance of Cinderella. "Mommy," she said, "I don't want to be Cinderella when I grow up. I just want to be a plain, ordinary princess!"
That story is from Gail Newtown of Brownville, N.Y.

Sarah, 4, loved to go to work with Carol, who had a small business. One day a customer was looking at a figurine of two rabbits sitting on a bench kissing. The customer asked Sarah what she thought of it. Very solemnly Sarah replied, "I didn't know rabbits could do CPR!"
That story is from Carol Morris of Auburn, Ind.
Jenny, 3, learned at an early age that she had Grandma and Grandpa wrapped around her finger and could get just about anything she wanted during her visits. One time Grandpa wanted to take Jenny to K-Mart with him. Jenny's mother warned Grandpa not to buy anything for Jenny. Jenny returned with a smile and a toy. Grandpa explained that when they walked into the store, Jenny took his hand and said, "Now Papa, what would you like for me to have?"
That story is from Jenny's aunt, Connie Stewart of Colonial Heights, Va. "I think we should go through life this way -- just asking God what He would like us to have," wrote one of the people who voted for this story.
One morning Kerri, who worked nights, was eating a leftover hamburger patty for her "supper." Ben, 3, asked her what it was, and she answered that it was a hamburger patty. He looked puzzled and asked again what it was. Kerri said more slowly and clearly that it was a hamburger patty. Still looking puzzled Ben asked one more time what it was. Kerri, ever patient, said one more time that it was a hamburger patty. Finally, Ben stated, "I NOT Patty, I Ben!"
That story is from Ben's aunt Christi Lingard of Nova Scotia, Canada.
Steven's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?" Steven's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Steven replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
That story is from Steven's mother, Martha Miles of Austin, Texas.
Madyson, 3, was singing the ABC song in the car. When she finished, she asked her mother what she wanted to hear next. Loree asked for "Tisket A Tasket." "It's not in there," Madyson said. "What are you talking about?" Loree asked. "It's not loaded in my mouth!" Madyson said. Her father had been loading software in their computer!
That is from Loree Sichelstiel of Gaithersburg, Md.
Danny, 8, told his dad some boys at school had told him that Santa was really his parents. So Danny's dad decided it was time to tell him the truth. And he told him about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy while he was at it. Danny took it all in stride, but seemed kind of sad. Then he looked at his dad and said, "Yeah, and there ain't no turkey, either."
That story is from Patsy Campbell of Portland, Tenn.
It was about a week before Christmas and Danielle, 3, was helping her mother decorate Christmas cookies. The radio was belting out holiday tunes and they sang and danced as they frosted. Suddenly Danielle started pouting, and tears fell from her eyes. "Honey, what's wrong?" her mother asked. "They said Santa Claus is coming to town," Danielle said. "But we live in the country!"
That story is from Danielle's mother, Darlene Buechel of Chilton, Wis.
Bobbi, 2, was watching a commercial for disposable diapers. The baby in the commercial was crying because her diaper was wet. Bobbi jumped up and ran into the kitchen. She came back to the living room with a hammer in her hand and headed straight for the TV. Her dad grabbed her and asked, "BOBBI, WHY WOULD YOU BREAK OUR TELEVISION?" In an angelic voice she replied, "Dat baby been crying awl day! I takin' her out and changin' her diaper!"
That story is from Bobbi's older sister, Debi Bartow of Norwalk, Ohio.

Winning Stories for November 1999
The Snider family had just moved to a new home with a fireplace. Andrew, who was almost 2, watched as the family built their first fire. Upon completion of building the first fire, Andrew said, "Mommy, Daddy is cooking wood!"
That story is from Cozette Snider of Clarksville, Ind.

Wendy, 7, had an argument with her older brother. She got so frustrated that she stuck her tongue out at him. "Stop sticking out your tongue," her mother said. "But Mom," Wendy replied, "I didn't. I just opened my mouth and it fell out!"
That family story is from Denise Lafferty of Rhinelander, Wis.
One night at a football game at Gateway Christian School, Grady, 4, was sitting beside his former community Bible study teacher. As the cheerleaders were cheering and raising their fingers for No. 1, Grady said, "I just love it when they point to God!"
That story about her grandson is from Kay Jones.
Debbie's daughter, Danielle, 8, who has been learning about grammar in second grade, added some new things to her prayer list. Every night she now asks the Lord "to bless all of the nouns in the world especially the people and animal nouns."
That story is from Debbie Lorenz of Noblesville, Ind.

Winning Stories for October 1999
Michelle (Shell) was doing housework with 2-year-old Dylan following her. He kept trying to get his mother's attention by saying, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy." Because she was so busy, Michelle said, "Stop Mommying me." Without missing a beat, Dylan said, "Shell."
That story is from Michelle Morris of Jacksonville, N.C.

When Terry's son was 5 they introduced him to a family favorite: saurkraut and dumplings. He tried a few bites, then put down his fork and proclaimed: "I don't like this sour crap and dumb things!"
That is from Danielle's mother Terry Hart of Superior, Wis.
On Halloween night the family's large dog would go to the door each time the doorbell rang to greet the trick-or-treaters. One time the dog was overly friendly when he opened the door, so the dog's owner told the dog in a loud voice to "sit." Immediately the two little trick-or-treaters sat down on his porch!
That story about her friend's son-in-law is from Cheryl Tuttle ofVancouver, Wash.
A.J., 3, was taking a walk with his mother, Debi, in the woods behind their home. Unfortunately, they came upon a dead puppy. A.J. was terribly upset about the puppy, so his mother suggested they get a shovel and bury the poor thing. After the puppy was buried, Debi suggested that they should say a prayer. A.J. prayed, "Dear God, please take the puppy to heaven and make him happy."Afterwards they continued their walk. A.J. asked many questions about God and heaven, and Debi answered them as best should could. When they got to a clearing at the top of the hill, where all you could see was the top of the trees and the brilliant blue sky, A.J. said in an amazed voice, "This is heaven!"
That story is from Debi Fisher of Aultman, Pa.

Winning Stories for September 1999
The first story is from Kim Vaughan of Laguna Niguel, Calif. Her 4-year-old and a friend came out of the bathroom screaming, "There's a SPIDER in the bathtub!" Kim calmly asked, "Is it a daddy long legs?" The little girl looked puzzled and said, "Well, he's got long legs, but I don't know if he's a Daddy!"

This story is from Lisa DelVecchio of Brewster, N.Y. When Nicholas was attending kindergarden, Jayme, 2, was anxious to repeat anything he came home with. So it was no surprise when Nicholas was learning "The Pledge of Allegiance", Jayme was determined to learn it also. One day she got to the end and with a very bold voice, and her hand on her heart, she stated, "with liberty and breakfast for all!"
David, 5, went to his best friend's house to play. But when Zack's mother, Judy, answered the door she informed David that Zack had chicken pox and couldn't play.David simply stood there, looking dumbfounded. "Have you had chicken pox?" Judy asked. David placed his hands on his hips and emphatically told her, "No! I'll tell you what I did have." Judy was quite impressed to think that a five year old would know which childhood diseases he had so she listened as David informed her: "I had white bread, bologna and mustard but I didn't have no chicken pox! So now can Zack play?"
That story is from Lynnell Dunigan of Washington.
Nancy Stump of Albion, Ind., was thinking she should have a birds and the bees talk with her daughter. Imagine her surprise when her daughter came home from school and said, "You and Dad better be careful. I would just DIE of embarrassment if you got pregnant!"
Taylor, 9, was talking to his friend Allie on the phone when she told him that her basset hound had given birth to seven puppies. At the dinner table Taylor told about the new arrivals. "Seven puppies from a basset?" his mother said. "That's a lot! I thought five or six was the limit for that breed." Taylor replied very seriously, "Yeah, but Mom, this dog had been pregnant for a looooooong time!"
That story is from Taylor's mother, Penny Stone of Elwood, Ind.
Pamela, 5, rushed home from school. "Mommy," she screamed, "I know what day of the week it is - Friday!" Thinking she had learned this in school that day, her mother replied, "That's great, honey. Did you learn that in kindergarten?" "No," Pamela replied, "it was written on Claire's underwear!"
That story is from Cindy Schleigh of Medina, Ohio. She is Pamela's aunt.
Erica, 4, was sitting next to her Grampa on the couch. She kept glancing sideways at his enormous pot belly. "You know, Grampa," Erica said, "you have a big belly." Grampa, amused by the comment, played along. "Yes," he said, "that's because before I came over here to visit I ate a watermelon." Erica very seriously answered, "Next time you should cut it first."
That story is from Erica's mother, Audrey of Taunton, Mass.

Winning Stories for August 1999
When Frank was in sixth grade he took peanutbutter and jellysandwiches to school every day. His mother finally asked him if he was sick of them. He replied, "Heck no... they're the best kind for trading."
That story is from Frank's sister-in-law, Janet Hounsell of New Hampshire.

Jasmine, 4, was very excited about attending preschool. One day when her mother asked the usual, "How was school today?" she sadly replied that it was not a good day. "Why?" her mother asked. "My teacher said I have TWO moms," Jasmine said. "What?!" her mother said. "I drew a picture for you," Jasmine explained, "and she said to write 'TWO MOM' on it." Then Jasmine handed her mother the picture which had the words 'WON MOM' (one mom) written across it. "Oh, I see," her mother said. "Your teacher wanted you to write 'To: Mom.' That means 'for mom.'" Jasmine replied in utter confusion, "You mean I have FOUR MOMS?"
That story is from Grace Stokes of Los Angeles, Calif.

Winning Stories for July 1999
Tiffany, 4, is a very finicky eater. She refused to eat her supper, and her parents said she couldn't have a snack before bedtime. She said she was going to starve to death before morning. The next morning she didn't eat much breakfast and she said she would starve to death before lunch. At church they were taking communion. As the tray with bread was being passed, Tiffany reached to help herself. "That's not for children," her father said. When the offering plate came to Tiffany she crossed her arms and said, "It I can't eat, I'm not paying!"
That story is from Patsy Campbell of Portland, Tenn.

Nan Barbish of Harmony, Penn. is an adult Girl Scout leader. At an overnight camp with a group of Brownie Girl Scouts she overheard one girl say, "Boy, was our cabin cold last night. The screen had a hole in it."
The daycare provider for Halle, 3, went on a vacation to Kentucky. When the daycare provider returned, she told the kids about her trip. "I've been to Kentucky," Halle said. The daycare provider, knowing that Halle had never been to Kentucky, asked, "Halle, are you sure you've been to Kentucky?" Halle replied, "Yes, I love their chicken!"
That story is from Halle's father Greg Sweet of Ossian, Ind.

Winning Stories for June 1999
Dorena Wise, a kindergarten teacher at a Christian school in Sherwood, Ark., remembers when her class was learning the Bible verse for the week, Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loveth at all times." When one little girl recited it she proudly stated: "A friend loves me at all times, PROZAC 17:17!"

When Sandra's husband was going through his midlife crisis he bought himself a shiny new Mustang sports car. One day he was driving down the highway with their 5-year-old son when a police officer pulled him over. The officer calmly explained that he had been speeding. The 5-year-old then loudly exclaimed, "But Officer, my daddy ALWAYS drives fast in the Mustang!"
That story is from Sandra Nodes, Van Buren, Arkansas.
Marsha Kemp of Sherman, Texas, was trying to teach the books in the New Testament of the Bible to some kindergarteners. One boy told Marsha he was ready to say them by himself. This is how he started: "Mattew, March, Muke, John, Acts and the Letter to the Romantics!"
Pamela's oldest daughter, Wanda, was 16 when she developed a rash that didn't respond to medication the doctor had prescribed. On their third visit to the doctor, he said he might have to send them to a dermatologist who would do a biopsy to find the cause. Wanda seemed troubled. Later she told her mother, "Isn't a biopsy rather drastic for a rash? I mean, I thought you had to be dead to do a biopsy." (She was, of course, confusing it with autopsy.)
That story is from Pamela Helton of Auburn, Ind.

Winning Stories for May 1999
Tom took Catie, 4, to watch the airplanes at the Air Force base in Okinawa, Japan, where he is stationed. When an airplane took off, Tom told Catie, "Honey, that's the sound of freedom." A few days later Tom and Catie were outside when a plane flew overheard. Catie looked at Tom and said, "Daddy, I like airplanes, but freedom sure is loud!" Catie is the daughter of Tom and Carla Nelson of Okinawa.

When asked what he wanted for lunch Stephan, 3, said, "Jumping bread!" Everyone was puzzled until he pointed to the toaster and said again, "I want jumping bread!" Stephan is the son of Fanie Buys who works with Child Evangelism Fellowship in South Africa.
Paquita Rawleigh of Riverside, Calif. is from a foreign country and speaks with an accent. Many people ask her, "What country are you from?" One day her 5-year-old son brought a friend home to play. Paquita asked the boys if they wanted some milk and cookies. The friend told Paquita's son (when he thought Paquita was out of earshot), "Your Mamma sure speaks funny." Without batting an eye, Paquita's son responded, "Yes, I know - she is not from this world!"

Winning Stories for April 1999

Gloria Reese of Kendallville, Ind. tells about when her cousin was about 3 and saw a colorful ring that her grandmother was wearing. She asked if she could have it. "No, you can't have the ring," the grandmother told the little girl. "It belongs to Grandma." Then turning to the little girl's mother the grandmother said, "When I kick the bucket you make sure she gets this ring." The little girl went to the bathroom, got the mop bucket, took itto her grandmother and said, "Kick it, Grandma!"
Twelve-year-old Rachel Kramer of La Quinta, Calif. tells this story. Her 9-year-old brother Phillip was reading the ingredients on a container of her make-up. "Not tested on animals," Phillip read. "Duhhhh. When do dogs wear blush?"
Axel, 8, took some swimming lessons that included simple CPR training. He learned that if a person is choking you should say, "Keep coughing!" The next day at lunch Axel's older brother started coughing. Axel jumped up and yelled, "Keep choking! Keep choking!"
Chuck, 10, often makes scrambled eggs for himself. One day he wanted to make fried eggs but wasn't sure how. He asked Vi, "How do you make the kind of eggs with the centerpiece?"
That story is from Vi Wysong of Wawaka, Ind.
Sharon Shea was driving down the road with her 5-year-old niece. They were chatting about nothing in particular when suddenly the little girl said, "Is Diet Coke supposed to make you skinny?" Sharon said yes. Her niece looked at her very seriously and said, "I don't think it's doing you any good!" Sharon lives in McGill, Nev.
Sally Jones of Auburn, Ind., has her grandchildren come to visit every Sunday. Kamron, 4, found a ladybug and was having great fun playing with it with his cousins, Katie Marie, 8, and Nicholas, 4. They started looking for a jar to keep the ladybug in. All of a sudden it was quiet. When Sally went to investigate, she saw Kamron sitting on the floor with his foot up in the air. Nicholas also was on the floor with his foot up in the air. Katie Marie was looking at Kamron's foot with a magnifying glass. "What are you doing?" Sally asked. "We can't find the ladybug and we think someone SCRUNCHED it!" Katie explained.

Winning Stories for March 1999

Dawne Olson, a South Dakota mother of four, was preparing to give a talk on unity at her women's Bible study. She woke up early to type out the scripture verses. She wasn't quite finished when her four children began coming downstairs asking for breakfast. She could hear the children just around the corner in the kitchen as they rummaged through the refrigeratorand cupboards for something to eat. At some point they discovered half of a toaster pastry on the counter from the night before. They all began screaming and fighting; each claiming the half-eaten Pop Tart. As Dawne made a couple of futile attempts to quiet them, she finished typing the verse in Matthew 5:9 that says, "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God." Taking her cue from scripture, she hollered into the kitchen above the din, "Would somebody PLEASE be the peacemaker?!" There was a moment's silence and then Garret, 6, piped up, "I'll be the piece maker, Mom!" Then to his brother and sisters he said: "Here's a piece for you and you, and a piece for you and one piece for me." Needless to say, Dawne had her opening illustration on unity and peace for that evening's Bible study!
Judy was telling her sons about "golden birthdays" - when your age and the date of your birthday match, such as turning 8 on March 8. Judy told her 6-year-old that on her "golden birthday" his brother Jack was born. "Wasn't that a great birthday present!" Judy's husband said. "Yes, Jack was my birthday present," Judy said. Jack, 4, who had been sitting, quietly listening, said with a very serious look, "Did I come in a box?"
That story comes from Judy Weiss of Bloomington, Minn.

Winning Stories for February 1999

Dorothy Post, a retired kindergarten teacher in Auburn, IN, used to send home to parents funny things her students had said. This is one of my favorites: Little boy: At work, my mommy works on a puker. Teacher: A what? Boy: You know, a commode! Teacher: Is she a plumber? Boy: No, she mashes those keys that write on a TV set!
When Diane's oldest daughter was four Diane found out she was pregnant. She and her husband were very happy and told the good news to anyone who would listen. One day when Diane was shopping a woman came over to her daughter and asked her if she was excited about the new baby. The little girl replied, "Oh yes, and I know what we are going to name it. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it quits!" Needless to say she had overheard one of her parents' private conversations!
That story is from Diane Sprindis of Maple Shade, NJ.

Winning Stories for January 1999

Carolyn Shull of Auburn, Ind., heard that Colin, 5, had fallen off the pier, so she asked him how it had happened. He replied, "I just walked too far."
Karl, and his stepson, Joey, 4, went to get haircuts. Back at home, Karl was joking with Joey and said, "I thought you were going to get your hair cut just like mine." Joey immediately said "But Mommy didn't tell them to cut it like yours ... Mommy, next time we go, you tell them to cut my hair just like Daddy's and make sure they cut out that spot in the back, too!"
That story comes from Lorilee Sichelstiel of Frederick, Md.
Pamela Helton of Auburn, Ind., was telling her daughter, Samantha, about how God created Adam. Pamela told Samantha that Adam had the job of naming every single creature on the face of the earth, and she said how hard it must have been for Adam to come up with so many different names. Samantha asked, "Did Adam name the computer viruses, too?"
Bus drivers are to call children by their correct names unless told otherwise by the student. A bus driver in DeKalb County, Ind., picked up a boy named "Thomas." The bus driver asked for permission to call the boy Tommy, because he had heard his mother calling him that. "I prefer to be called Thomas," the boy said. But he told the bus driver what everyone else calls him. He had forgotten about dad so the bus driver asked him what his father calls him. "Watch It, Pal!" Thomas replied.
A 4-year-old told his mother, "I don't want to go to heaven." In amazement, she said, "Why?" "Because I couldn't watch TV or play games or do my Ninja moves," he said. "You can do whatever you want in heaven," his mother said. Not convinced, the 4-year-old said, "How with them stupid wings flapping all the time?"

Winning Stories for December 1998

Mia Menard's 4-year-old niece went to her grandma's to visit. Whenher grandmother noticed that she had the stamp of a flower on her hand,Hanah explained, "When you are good in school, the teacher gives you astamp on your hand." Later when her grandmother was in the kitchen, Hanah rushed in to tell her something special was on TV. When they reached the TV, she said, "Look, Grandma, he must have been a really good boy!" It was Dennis Rodman - the basketball player who is covered withtattoos!
Lester Rowan was teaching seventh graders in a small Christianschool in Pennsylvania. The kids were teasing James and Christine aboutliking each other. One day the subject came up about something James wasgoing to be doing that might be dangerous. One boy said, "Well, if anything happened to him, Christine could come and give him mouth-to-mouth recreation!"
Michael Spitters, senior minister of First Christian Church(Disciples of Christ) in Lansing, Mich. tells about when he was a boy and all six of his siblings and his parents were seated around the dinner table. Eyes closed. Hands held. With the exception of his father, they were anxiously awaiting the completion of the prayer. Mother's mashed potatoes and gravy had a way of distracting them from whatever father happened to mention in his prayers. Immediately upon hearing the long-awaited "amen," Jimmy, 3, beltedout, "Dad...Dad! Brenda had her eyes open during your prayer." The four year old's face dropped and her shoulders caved in as sheawaited her reprimand. But, instead, father asked, "Jimmy, how is it that you know thatyour sister had her eyes open during the prayer?" Shocked by the frightening question, Jimmy thought for a second ortwo, then blurted out, "I heard them open!"
Amanda, 7, and Evan, 4, had their friend Dillon, 6, over. Amandasaid that Dillon has a bunk bed. When Monique asked why Dillon has a bunk bed, he explained, "So wecan have sleep-overs!" Then, Evan asked if he could sleep-over, too. Dillonenthusiastically said, "Sure!" Then he added, "Mrs. Actman, you can, too, but you'll have to sleep with my dad."
Stefanie Martin of Centreville, Va., tells about her nephew TylerThrasher, 4, who was asked by his Grandmother Shirley ("Mimi") what he was going to be for Halloween. "A human candy bar!" Tyler quickly responded. Mimi began to play with him by saying that she would have to stopby his house on Halloween and eat his ears. Tyler became very serious and said, "No, Mimi, you can't eat my ears because I won't be able to hear!" Then she told him she would have to eat his nose. "No, Mimi, I won't be able to smell!" They continued back and forth as Mimi opted for hands, feet, etc.until Tyler finally threw his hands up in the air and said angrily, "JUST FORGET THE WHOLE THING. I'M GONNA BE SUPERMAN!"
Jewell Sutton's husband coached their son's first grade basketballteam. They lost every game. In her zeal for their son to be part of awinning team, Jewell often offered suggestions. One evening on the way home from the game Jewell was commenting, and her husband said, "Do you have any idea what I am trying to work with? You know how our team is wearing blue T-shirts and when the referee says 'blue ball' indicating who gets control of the ball? Well, tonight one of our players tugged me on the sleeve during play saying, 'Coach Sut'n (Sutton), why does he keep saying blue ball? The referee said blue ball again, and I thought the ball was orange!"

Winning Stories for November 1998

Glenda, 3, was watching her mother put on face cream. "Why are you putting that on your face, Mama?" she asked. "It's supposed to make me beautiful," her mother said. "Well," Glenda blurted out, "they lied to you, Mama!"
That story comes from Glenda's mother, Alice Mauldin Rogers of LaHabra, Calif.
Leceta Chisholm Guibault of Joliette, Canada, was spending the day at the lake with her daughter Kahleah, 2. It was a beautiful day and Kahleah was fascinated with all the activity on the lake, including a boat pulling a water skier in the distance. "Hey, Mom," Kahleah said, "look at that man trying to catch the boat!"
Glenn, 5, the son of Lucille and Elmer Powell of Seagoville, Texas, was talking to a visitor in their home. When asked, "Where did you get those pretty blue eyes?" Glenn thought for a moment and replied, "God gave them to me and Mama put them in!"
Nathan, 7, was trying to explain to his grandmother, Phyllis Balzer of Kendallville, about the hour's difference in time between Kendallville and southern Indiana, where they now live. "The basic thing," Nathan said, "is that time just goes a lotfaster down there than here!"

Winning Stories for October 1998

A kindergarten teacher at the school where Donna Thaggard ofSavannah, Ga., teaches was checking to see if her students knew their addresses and phone numbers. One little boy thought and thought before he finally gave it to her... "10-10-321."
Corbin, 3, wanted to play on the "'puter" but he had to wait until his mother finished printing out a poster she had made. She explained that he had to wait until the computer finished what it was doing. Corbin replied, "I play on 'puter when you finish your crap?" Horrified, his mother explained to him that the word he used was not appropriate. Once again he responded with the exact same question, and she told him he should not use that kind of language and asked him where he had heard that word. Completely unruffled he quietly asked the question again. Frustrated and confused, she turned to look at the computer screen where she saw the image of the poster she had made - crabs on a beach!
Fred and Christina Raley of Montclair, Va., have worked hard to teach good manners and polite speech to Harper, 4. One day when Harper said "Oh my God" Christina said he should say "Oh my goodness" instead. She added that saying "Oh my God" is only appropriate in prayer. The other day he came home with a new word: "Butthead." In nouncertain terms, Christina told him it was not a nice thing to say, and she didn't want to hear it any more. "Okay, Mom," Harper said, "unless I'm praying!"

Winning Stories for September 1998

Dave and Lorraine Lindsey of Tekonsha, Mich., were traveling with Scott, 9,who has a good knowledge of computers. Several times Scott asked if he could do something, and his parents reminded that they had answered the question already. "Process that information," his parents said, hoping he wouldn't ask the same question again. "Access denied," Scott said. "It doesn't compute!"

Winning Stories for August 1998

Olga Hernandez of Kendallville and her family visited the Ron and Debbie Ensley family of Owatonna, Minn. They spent the night in the Ensleys' beautiful new home. "How did you sleep?" Debbie asked Olga. "Oh, I slept like a million bucks in your bed!" Olga exclaimed. "How did you sleep, honey?" Debbie asked Kyrie, 7. "Like a dollar," Kyrie replied.

Winning Stories for July 1998

Mary Petertyl of Grand Rapids, Mich. adopted her youngest daughter from China two years ago. During this past year, Mary's oldest daughter, Carly, 5, apparently has been discussing the birds and the bees with some of her friends on the playground. But she combined the playground stories with Anna's adoption story. One day after school she proudly announced, "I know where babies come from!" "Oh," Mary said. "Where?" Carly pointed between her legs and said, "Your CHINA!"

Winning Stories for June 1998

Amanda Stewart, 10, of Vancouver, Wash., had a Bible study lesson about how we should treat our enemies. A few nights later her mother Melinda overheard Amanda's prayer: "And God, please find Tasha and make her fall into a mud puddle while she is wearing her nicest clothes, and then have somebody come and step on her..." After Amanda was done praying, Melinda asked her to explain herself. Amanda proudly proclaimed that she was doing what she had learned in Bible study Ð "pray for your enemies!"